HANA HO`OMAKE`AKA
Kermet Apio's Laugh Corner

July 2007

Da Bestest

Recently the Honolulu Advertiser announced the 150 winners of the “Best of the Best 2007” readers poll. I find this odd for two reasons. First, how can you be best of 2007 half way through the year? And second, who are these people who have time to answer 150 questions? The last time I answered 150 questions was the math section of the SAT’s (sadly there were 200 questions). I never have the time to answer that many questions and I work an hour a day. Occasionally my 5-year-old asks “Why?” 150 times in one day, but that’s about it.

I won’t list all of the winners because providing information is something I leave to everyone else in this paper. I realize that each person has their own opinions of who are the best of the best, but some of the winners left me downright flummoxed. For instance, Best Sandwich went to Subway. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good meatball sub just as much as anyone, when I’m in Kansas. Are you telling me that as much as Hawaii people eat, there isn’t a better sandwich than the Turkey Bacon Club on Monterrey Bread? (Note to self: get lots of money, move to Hawaii, open sandwich shop, hire Jared to do commercials, and wait for the “Best of the Best” award to roll on in.)

Along the same lines, 7-11 got the award for Best Spam Musubi. Really? This is only true when it’s 2:15 in the morning and you’re trying to sober up before driving and happen to be across the street from a 7-11. Once again, no offense. I enjoy a tasty Slurpee but during the day there are many better musubis.

T-Mobile won the Best of the Best 2007 award for cellular phone company, which automatically locks them in as winner for two years or they can charge a penalty. The Advertiser called them to inform them of the win but the call got dropped. Good night everybody, please tip your waitstaff!

In the category of Private School, Iolani, the obvious winner, was accidentally listed as third place behind Punahou and Sacred Hearts Academy. I realize this was a typo and encourage the webmaster to make the necessary corrections. Hey, we all make mistakes. Punahou grad, I assume?

Another weird one: In the category of Best Hawaiian Gifts, the third place winner was, seriously, Wal-Mart. You know what makes a great Hawaiian gift? Something made in China and shipped through Arkansas. “Hey, friend, we had a wonderful vacation in paradise and we brought you this very special native gift. If you don’t like it you can exchange it for prescription drugs or a rake.” Third place should have gone to ebay.

Two categories I never thought they would have: Best Chiropractor and Best Plastic Surgeon. This is for the people who want their spine twisted or their face botoxed but don’t want to do more research than the Advertiser website.

Seems like having the category in your name helps a lot. For instance: Best Office Supply – Office Depot, Best Party Supply – Party City, Best Pet Store – Pet’s Discount. (note to self: put the word “Sandwich ” in the name)

As if 150 categories are not enough, there are a few more I would like to add. I am the only person consulted in this poll, which makes it non-scientific and extremely accurate.

Best Pearlridge Mall Phase

2
1
Pearl Kai

Best ABC Store

Kalakaua and Lewers
Lewers and Kuhio
Kuhio and Kalakaua

Best Beach If Your Wife Is A Red Headed Caucasian And Your Accent Is More Ballard Than Ewa

Bellows
Ala Moana
West Seattle

Best Way To Get Into Hanauma Bay Without Paying

Climb down to toilet bowl
Ride board from Secret Beach
Use loud militant language about how your Hawaiian land was taken from you

Best Place For Cheap Gas

Costco
Military Base
Siphon from neighbors SUV late at night

Best Place To Break Up With Your Geeky Boyfriend Who Has A Dry Sense Of Humor And A Weird Muppet Name

Magic Island
Ice Palace
His Parents’ House

There is one last category I’d like your opinion on: Best Comedian From Ewa Beach Who Graduated From Iolani And Now Lives In Mountlake Terrace And Writes A Column For A Northwest Hawaiian Publication. I will forward your unbiased results to the Advertiser.

If you’d like to see all of the results, here’s the link.

http://ssl.honoluluadvertiser.com/pages/07bestofthebest/

Hopefully they will have corrected the Iolani mistake by then. (If not, note to self: don’t let Advertiser webmaster into Bestest Sandwich Shop)