Kermet Apio's Laugh Corner

February 2005

The Fittest Cities In America ??

Men’s Fitness magazine had an article this month that named Seattle and Honolulu, respectively, the fittest cities in America. For those of you who know me (and my weight), let me clear something up: I don’t subscribe to Men’s Fitness. I saw this story on CNN while sitting on the couch and then drove to the store to buy a copy of the magazine, two chocolate cake doughnuts and a six-pack of Yoohoo. I find it odd that the only two cities I’ve lived in are the fittest places in the country and I get winded when I type too fast.

Hold on…I need a drink of water.

If I were to make a list of the magazines I would subscribe to, in order, Men’s Fitness would fall right between Bavarian Antiques Monthly and The Watchtower, somewhere in the low 800’s. Not that I’m against working out, but a magazine ABOUT working out is like a users manual for an ice pick. I don’t know if I can spend money for articles like “Pick Up, Put Down, Repeat – A Workout Guideline” and “Fall Fashions That Match With Sweat”.

By the way, 4 of the 5 worst cities for fitness all shared one thing: the letters “T” and “X” right after their name. In Texas they say “Baste it, batter it, barbecue it, butter it, then deep fry it.” I, however, like my ice cream raw.

Seattle pushed Honolulu into 2nd place this year after demanding two recounts when they found convicted felons were being considered healthy. The main reason Seattle made the jump to number one is this: men in their 30’s worked out more because they realized as bad as the Mariners were playing, any of them could be called into the game. Remember that day in August when the 10,000th customer got to pinch hit for Jose Lopez?

There is no product that REI sells that could get me to look at 42 degrees and rainy as a chance to go jogging. I don’t care if it’s a walrus-down parka or tupperware sweat pants, NASA has yet to design the outfit warm enough to get me out there. Till then, I’ll do 20 reps a day of refrigerator door openings.

I am amazed that Honolulu took first and second the last two years, considering it’s the birthplace of the “Loco-Moco”, two scoops of rice topped with a hamburger patty, a fried egg, and smothered in gravy. It is the perfect dish for folks who don’t like vegetables or having arteries. Add some bacon and cheese and you can call it the “Goodbye Cruel World”. Also, no state eats more SPAM, per capita, than Hawaii. SPAM, the meat that’s chock full of so many chemicals it glows in the dark.

Plus, in Hawaii you don’t eat till you’re full, you eat till you’re tired. Then your aunties shove food into your mouth till your eyes roll back into your head. Add to all of this the worst traffic west of Manhattan and I don’t know how they’re finding time to be so fit. Maybe everyone sitting in their cars has a Thigh Master.

So congratulations to both Seattle and Honolulu for making me realize just how lazy I am. I do have a simple solution. I am moving to Texas where my nickname will be “Twiggy” or “Noodles” or “Guy Who Can See His Feet”.

Do Men’s Fitness issues sell on eBay? I no longer need it.

Kermet Apio is a nationally known comedian and has performed in 44 states regardless of their ranking in fitness. I must however, correct one misstatement: Hilo, not Honolulu, whitis the birthplace of the famed Loco Moco. In fact, there are two restaurants (OK, drive-ins) in Hilo currently duking it out to be recognized as “the first.” I have t-shirts to prove it - RdC