Kermet Apio's Laugh Corner

April 2005

Newsflash! Kermet Misses Photoshoot!!

So why am I, Kermet Apio, not in the group photo on the About Us page? Is it because:

a) The day the picture was taken was 5 Beef-N-Cheddars for $5 day at Arby’s.

b) The NWHIT team rarely informs me of get togethers because the knock-knock jokes get really annoying.

c) Me fear clicky light box. Clicky light box steal my soul.

The truth is, a few hours before the picture was taken, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He was due in April but was born on March 20th. So my last column was about Hawaiians always being late and my son shows up two weeks early. The password is Irony.

My wife is amazing. She’s done this before. And voluntarily went through it again. I water skied one time, and there was pain I felt in places I never thought that kind of pain could exist. So I never water skied again. If men had to carry and deliver the babies, there would be a few only children and lots of pets. Even if they offered me a double shot epidural with a whiskey chaser and chewable Canadian 222’s, I’d still be at the Humane Society looking at beagles. My wife was heroic, and I hope my kids always understand that. Of course, when they finish college I will be billing them for the co-pay.

To quell your worry, he is NOT Kermet Jr. His name is Makanakealoha, which translated into English means “Frog puppet with banjo, who says hello and/or good bye”. Actually, it means “Gift of love”, which in so many ways is true.

When this kid eats, you know he’s Hawaiian. He eats till his eyes roll back. It’s hard to burp him while he’s snoring. My wife is Baby Todai’s, except this buffet is open 24 hours a day. You know when you’re at Todai’s and your head is on the table and you slide the last two spicy tuna roll pieces off the plate and into your mouth? That’s my son, and I can’t be more proud.

My daughter turned three on March 19th and got a brother on March 20th (Apparently every third June 20th is a very big day for me). My daughter’s only experience with babies is a baby doll she owns (the aptly named “Baby Doll”). This doll has been dragged by the hands, feet, ears, and neck. It has been stuffed in a shoe box and thrown at the cats. Basically my daughter’s theory is: If something comes off, Mommy will sew it back on. This makes for a very intense experience for our newborn son. We might as well have a pet ferret. What my daughter thinks is giving her brother a hug looks more like the last few seconds of a midget wrestling match. She’s about as gentle with him as a cat to a yarn ball. Hard to explain to a toddler that Mommy can’t sew everything.

So the Northwest Hawaii Times is celebrating its first birthday, which means that this summer the paper should stop breastfeeding. My apologies for missing picture day, but it turned out to be a wonderful day. If you had told me when I was in college that I would be a Taurus wagon driving, Docker’s pants wearing, lawn mowing father of two I would have cringed. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Happy Birthday NWHIT and mahalo nui loa for everything.